I’ll be home for Christmas?

In Australia, when you don’t have a proper driver’s license or Australian identification, you have to use your passport as an ID.

Even though I’m not thrilled about carrying around my ticket in and out of this (and every other) country, this has never really been a big deal.

Until, of course, the weekend before I’m scheduled to fly home for Christmas.

I spent Saturday night in the city with a fellow American au pair. And since I forgot my purse, she was more than happy to carry my passport in hers.

No big deal.

However. When I got home on Sunday, I realized I didn’t have it. Normally this would be serious. Considering I was due on a plane back to America in less than sixty hours, this was dire.

Immediately, I sent her a frantic text asking if she had it, while desperately racking my brain for all of the places it might have ended up if she didn’t. Of course I got no response. So after an hour of “Is it wandering the streets of Perth?” “Did someone steal it?” “Can I get a new passport from the embassy in a matter of days?” “Does Perth even HAVE an American embassy?” I called her. And, oh, what do you know, it was in her bag the whole time.

Enormous sigh of relief.

So I ask her if we can meet in the city, halfway between our houses, on Monday evening for me to collect it, and she agrees.

Another sigh of relief.

When Monday evening rolls around, I call her on my way to the train station to let her know my ETA.

She tells me it’s too late in the day, can she bring it over tomorrow?

Sigh of exasperation.

But I tell her “Sure, that’s fine.” My Christmas vacation rests solely in your hands. “But yes, that’s fine.”

Naturally the first thing I do the next morning is text her.

“Hey, buddy! When can you bring my passport over?!”

No response.

I spend the entire morning considering the fact that absolutely nothing I have packed is more important than the only thing I need to actually leave this country.

Finally, by noon, I get a message from her telling me that she “just woke up!” and is going to “quickly clean the house!” and “leave very soon!”

Sigh of annoyance.

After two hours of pacing the door and compulsively checking my phone, I get another message saying that cleaning the house “took longer than I thought, whoops, lol!” but that she would be on the train here in an hour or so.

Sigh of disbelief.

By 5:00, I FINALLY got a message saying that she’s on the train and will be arriving at the nearby station by 5:43.

On the way to the train station, every possible worst-case-scenario ran through my head.

Her train is going to crash on the way here.

She’s going to drop my passport in the crack between the door and the platform.

She’s going to accidentally bring hers instead.

Along with every possible worst-case-solution.

Maybe I’ll be able to pick through the rubble of crushed metal and bodies to find it.

Maybe I can make myself look like her and just use her passport.

Maybe I’ll just punch her in the face.

I was at the platform and waiting by 5:41.

5:43: train comes. People shuffle off. No sign of her.

In between the furious texts I consider sending, I begin thinking if I should use a straight punch, back fist, uppercut, or Tony Horton’s claw-hammer.

5:55: another train comes. People shuffle off. There she is.

I don’t think I said hi. I don’t think I waved or even really smiled. I’m pretty sure I lunged at her and asked “Do you have it??!”

She did. It wasn’t mistakenly hers. She didn’t drop it while getting off the train.

Sigh. Of. Exuberance.

Never have I ever been so relieved to be holding a passport. This includes the time in Guatemala when I was playing passport Guess Who with Chris Esh and thought we had lost Chris Hollinger’s somewhere along a dusty road.

I haven’t let it leave my sight all evening.

And in ten hours, I’m going to be using it.

 

It’s So Not Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas

I cannot express how difficult it is to get in the Christmas spirit in Australia. Every day this month we’ve neared 100 degrees, and the thought of sitting by the fire sounds more like suicide than coziness. 

And it doesn’t help that no one here really gets into the holiday. In America, Christmas is basically a lifestyle. Instead of being in a category with Easter and the Fourth of July, I’ve always felt like it more falls in with Summer, Spring, Fall and Winter. But here in Australia, Christmas is more like an afterthought; kind of how we would recognize Valentine’s Day or St. Patrick’s Day. Or Memorial Day.

And yes, I did flip through every single radio station, and get this: NONE of them have changed their music to a continuous stream of Christmas songs. None. Although maybe that’s for the best, since most songs don’t really make sense considering it’s summer time. Frosty the Snowman clearly wouldn’t survive longer than five minutes here before melting and dissolving. Although the weather outside is certainly frightful, a fire sounds less than delightful. Jack Frost is going nowhere near my nose, and folks are DEFINITELY not dressed up like eskimos. 

There’s no egg nog, no tacky light tours, no crazed shoppers elbowing through each other at the mall. They don’t even have Salvation Army bell ringers on every corner. And since growing a pine tree on this continent is like trying to grow a palm tree in the North Pole, no one has real Christmas trees. Of the 2.5% that actually go through the trouble of putting up a tree, all of them are completely artificial.

On the upside, we’ve finally started decorating the house. On the downside, this is an Australian family’s idea of Christmas decorations:

 

 

 

And FYI, Santa does NOT have an Australian accent. So I don’t know who that poser at the mall was, but from my years of experience sitting on his lap and seeing him in Christmas movies, Santa has never once said, “What would you like for Christmas, mate?”

 

How to Speak Australian

One of the most common yet unique phrases in Australia is “How are you going?” The correct response is along the lines of “Good,” “Fine,” or “Well, thanks.” Incorrect response: “I was going on the bus.”

I may or may not have learned this the hard way.

Commonly used phrases

No worries:

• That’s alright
• Sure, I’ll do that
• You’re welcome
• Not a problem

Example: “I accidentally ran over a kangaroo today.” “No worries, now we have something for dinner.”

Good on ya:

• Good for you!
• Nice to meet you
• Have a good day
• Thanks very much
• I understand

Example: “You’re not from Canada, are you?” “No.” “Good on ya!”

Cheers:

• Thank you
• Making a toast
• Used to exit out of an awkward conversation

Example: When struggling to push a stroller with a child inside through an entrance and someone holds the door open, a proper response would be “Cheers.” To sound extra Australian, add “mate” to that.

Various definitions of “biscuit”:

• cookies
• crackers
• scones
• rice cake
• hamburger bun
• dog food pellets

Definition of dense, flakey roll:

“What…is this…?”

And when in doubt, just shorten every word and add -ie. It’s probably an Australian word.

• chokkie [chocolate]
• brekkie [breakfast]
• chewie [chewing gum]
• tellie [television]
• mozzie [mosquito]
• sunnies [sunglasses]

And the most important Australian word to know: Mackers; short for McDonald’s.

Bonzer, mates! Now you can speak Aussie!